Days are getting shorter and colder, meaning we're getting hit by autumn after few really hot days last week. This will bring changes to our kitchens too.

Apple and cinnamon is just perfect autumn/winter combination, don't you think? There's something really warming and comforting about this flavour combo.

The other day I just really fancied baking. I was thinking apple and cinnamon muffins, but then realised I had no butter and going out to the shops wasn't an option at that time. Then I remembered I had a carrot cake recipe written down, in which the oil is used instead. Yay, I could make my cake after all!

Ingredients:

Preparation:

Preheat the oven to 180C. Mix the dry ingredients in a bowl. In a separate bowl, beat the egg whites until they start forming soft peaks, gradually adding sugar and then egg yolks, one at a time. Add oil, grated apple and sifted flour mix. Combine well. Bake for about 30 minutes.

If you fancy, you can add some raisins and/or chopped walnuts to the cake, for some extra bite.

I must admit that I'm not that great when it comes to Desi food. It's only recently that I understood it needs time and a bit of patience, especially when making the base for the curries - can't tell you how many times Hubby stepped in to further cook down my curries that turned out too thin or had bits of undercooked onion floating inside...

One thing I think I'm pretty good with, is butter chicken. It turns out pretty well, because I always stand in the kitchen with my Indian cookbook open, and follow the recipe to the letter ;) Even though Hubby once told me to modify the cooking method, he always likes it so why change something that works?

Ingredients:

*The original recipe calls for Indian five-spice powder, but I happened to have ground allspice in the cupboard first time round, so I just ended up using that instead.

Preparation:

Mix the yoghurt, tomatoes, ground almonds, garlic and all the spices together. Add the chicken pieces and mix well, until all the chicken is coated. Leave to marinate in a cool place for at least few hours.

Heat the ghee in a deep pan. Add the onions and cook until browned. Tip I got from my Hubby: if you see onions browning too much too quickly, add some water to avoid burning and cook until soft.

Add the chicken together with all the marinade. After about 10 minutes add the coconut milk. If it's all too think, you can add some extra water or stock. Cook over a low heat until the chicken is cooked and the sauce thickens. 

Another pro tip: your curry is ready, when the oil comes out on top.

Serve with rice or chapatis.

"And tell the believing women to lower their gaze, and protect their private parts and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils (...)"

(Quran, 24:31)

As you might see from my photos, I don't permanently wear a headscarf - commonly know as the hijab. I'm not really gonna get into the discussion on the woman's obligation to do so - I'm not a scholar, and my personal views are currently just too confused.

I've never felt judged by other Muslims for not wearing a scarf. If anything, whenever I'd actually wear one, I hear words of encouragement, but nothing pushy. The only times I felt the judgement, it came from fellow converts - couple of times we came across mixed couples like us, and while my husband would talk to the man, he heard the usual "Isn't your wife going to convert?" question. And at the same time I would get asked exactly the same by his veiled wife. And believe me, it's not a look of approval when I answered that I did, in fact, convert. The looks we both got said "How come? But she's/you're not wearing the hijab!"

As I already said, I'm not going to get deep into the issue of the obligation to cover. The general agreement is that a woman needs to wear a veil, but you can also find plenty of sources arguing that it's not compulsory. One thing I believe, is that it needs to be a woman's own, conscious choice. And Allah knows best.

Contrary to popular belief, my husband has never asked me to wear a headscarf. Even when I asked him directly, he didn't really want to answer. The only thing I got out of him, was that it needs to be my choice and he can't tell me to do anything.

The thing with hijab is, that every woman will be at a different level with her faith. Some I know started covering straight away, some took few months, some took few years and quite a few never took this step. And you know what? It's not really for us to judge one another. If anything, it's really discouraging. Wearing a headscarf without properly understanding it, feeling forced to do so, will make anyone unhappy.

Why don't I actually wear the hijab then?

Some Muslim converts are able to take this step straight away - right after the Shahada it's goodbye old clothes, hello hijab.

For some, like me, it's a gradual process. 

I actually started dressing more modestly way before converting. When Hubby and I met, I used to wear shorts, mini skirts, sleeveless tops... At first he wouldn't say anything, but then one day when we were going out together, he wasn't too happy about my dress' length. I still remember how upset I was - I thought he'd be different, that he wouldn't try to dictate me what I can and cannot wear. 

But then we sat down, and discussed this calmly. His point was, that he's now responsible for me, and equally I represent him when we're out. He wouldn't want people to disrespect me, thinking that he got himself a girlfriend just for fun. It took a while, but I did actually understand his point - couple of years before I once went to our Asian area with a friend, who was buying halal meat for her own husband. And as it was summer, and we were coming back from the gym, we were both wearing shorts and tank tops. Oh my, the looks we got - I don't think I've ever felt so uncomfortable about my clothing choice! To my defence, I didn't really know much about Islam and Muslims, so I didn't realise it could be frowned upon ;)

Anyway, since then I decided I can tone it down for his peace of mind. He wouldn't mind me wearing short-sleeved tops, but I started avoiding deep necklines and short skirts were reserved for holidays back home. Even though I wasn't even thinking about Islam at that time, I guess this gradual transition was one of my first steps towards it.

Where am I now then? 

I admit that I often think about the hijab. I love my scarves, and pretty much always have one around my neck - even though there isn't one on my head, I feel more comfortable if I have a scarf covering my chest.

I actually tried to put the hijab on when going outside. Last year, just before the Ramadan, I thought it could be a great time to start. I went out wearing a scarf few times, and actually felt quite comfortable in it.

But after a few days doubts started creeping in. Why was I actually doing it? On one hand, I thought maybe wearing the hijab would push me to better myself. That I'd actually be recognised as a Muslim. But on the other hand I didn't feel worthy of it, if you know what I mean. Most of the time I'm not exactly a great example of a Muslim. I probably got scared, that people would perceive me as more pious, that they would have certain expectations towards me. I started thinking - did I actually put a headscarf on for the right reasons?

I remember spending couple of days at home, not wanting to go out anywhere. I didn't want to go out, because I didn't know if I wanted to put the scarf on my head. And I cried. I sat alone, while Hubby was sleeping off his night shift, and cried so hard, because I felt lost. And what felt worst, was that it was actually Ramadan, the month where people usually get spiritually uplifted, and I felt like that.

Eventually I decided to talk to Hubby abut it. I cried again, when I told him that I might've made a choice that wasn't quite right for me at that point. And he just hugged me, called me silly and told me it was gonna be OK. That if felt I wasn't ready, then I wasn't ready, and I shouldn't be forcing myself and making myself unhappy. I can only say Alhamdulillah for such a supportive spouse!

I know I'm not perfect in my struggle. But I also know I'm not alone. Nowadays I only wear long trousers and skirts or dresses, or if I like some shorter dress I pair it up with leggings. I don't have any tops with low neckline, and short sleeves are reserved for wearing at home - only on really hot days I'll resort to 3/4 sleeved shirts. In addition, all my clothing is rather loose-fitting. I'm even uncomfortable going swimming, unless it would be women-only session.

But all some people see, is my hair on show.

So please, don't be too hard on us non-hijabis. You never know someone's personal struggles. And you never know when we might change our mind.